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The Salt Shaker

For Christmas this year, Shawn received a pepper mill engraved, ‘Jensen’s Talking Stick.’ We have a few family members that like to monopolize the family dinner talking time, and if you have the pepper, you have the floor. The salt shaker, on the other hand…..

Could be called our, ‘Olive Branch.’

When Shawn and I have an issue or a challenge in our relationship, we work hard to not blame each other. We are really clear that whatever comes up for each other is not each other’s issue, it’s our own.

Let’s say a beautiful woman moved onto our little street, and Shawn shared with me how hot the new neighbour was, (telling the microscopic truth), and I was jealous of her beauty and great butt (I’m sure her boobs would be fake). I would probably be feeling insecure and very afraid that he would find her more attractive than me. Shawn may say good morning to her one day, and that would be it. It may be a day that I am feeling insecure in myself, and then the little, “good morning,” would or could turn into world war III. Would I tell him how I was feeling?

Absolutely not. I would be ashamed to be feeling such a ridiculous thing, after all I should know better than to feel jealousy and on it goes. So because I’m bigger than that, I would find something that Shawn has done wrong, and then take it out on him or blame him, so I don’t have to talk about what is really going on for me.

I know, as does he, that it’s me that’s angry or afraid, and it’s me that needs to find peace in the situation. When I am responsible for my life to that level, then I know that blaming and pointing fingers is giving my power away to someone else. If I have an issue, like the one above, I do my best to bring it up right away, and we sit down and talk about it.

We sit on the same side of the table and use the salt shaker as our issue. If I am angry, sad, concerned, confused or ashamed about something that has happened, or not happened, then the salt shaker becomes the issue. Both Shawn and I sit together and look at the object on the table as our challenge, or as our opportunity to learn more about each other and ourselves, and move closer as a result of finding a solution.

When I can look at the issue as an issue and not something that he has done to me, then I can keep my cool and stay in my power. There is a lot less chance for fighting, and then having to say, ‘I’m sorry,’ and the potential for damage to the relationship is usually harmful when the two of us are yelling at each other. One of our other golden rules is that, ‘one of us is always the adult.’

I am getting better at the salt shaker strategy, and sometimes, I am angry. So when I am angry, Shawn reminds himself to be the adult. This means he doesn’t get to give me a time out, it means that he listens like an adult and doesn’t engage with me in my tirades. He just listens, and when I am done he says, ‘Thank you for sharing,’ and that’s it. He will come back, and we will talk about it after, but at the time, I talk and he listens. Generally, in our relationship one of us will talk, and the other will come back later and share their feelings about what happened, and we move on.

A few days ago we were heading to the Lower Mainland of BC from Vancouver Island, and we were in the ferry line up, and in a vehicle next to ours, were a couple, and I don’t think that they had read our book.

He was yelling and screaming because the ferry was late, followed by how much they were going to have to pay in visa interest this month, because she didn’t pay the bill on time, followed by she never puts gas in the vehicle, and what a great life she has and he does all the work, followed by whatever else he could think of over the past ten years, it seemed.

Their young son, of about 9 or 10, was in the back seat, and my heart was breaking. Eventually, the wife got out of the van and gathered her stuff and walked away, leaving the boy in the van with the husband.

The boy was rocking back and forth and crying, the Mom was gone, and the Dad was raging.

He attempted to follow his wife, on foot, as his van was blocked in, and came back alone… It was hard to watch and it was heartbreaking. And they missed the ferry, because she had to stop on the way down, from wherever they lived, for breakfast along the way.

As we sat through this, the man in the van said something that triggered Shawn, and he brought up something we have been discussing, and discuss it we did. Instead of getting into the trap of blaming each other for what was happening in our lives, and yelling at each other, Shawn had the opportunity to share his feelings, and I had the opportunity to listen. He spoke, I listened, there were a few minutes of silence, and then I reached over and took his hand, and we were closer than ever: again.